Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The Crappy Day!

What a CRAPPY day! Seriously! It started last night actually...at 1 AM I was still pretty much wide awake and listening to my 4th or 5th podcast in a row. When you share a bed with a Black and Decker chain saw you develop defense mechanisms such as listening to podcasts to enable you to catch a wink or two. Since I get up at 5AM I knew that I would only be getting a maximum amount of 4 hours of sleep anyway. So while I am listening to my podcasts I am also devising mental excuses for not coming in at 7am to work. I have a cold, I didn't get any sleep, my sister's drug induced behavior stressed me out, I just can't do it...nope there were no suitable excuses so I knew I would just have to suck it up and go in tired or not. I also knew that I had a memorial service to attend right after work and was trying to devise ways to get out of it that wouldn't make me feel guilty for the rest of natural born life. I have a cold, well actually it's Mark who has the cold but who will know the difference, I will stupid...that's lame. I have to work late, oh HELLO it's a MEMORIAL service for family, work is soooooooo not an excuse. What if I used the real excuse? You know, I can't deal with any more people dying..I've already lost two uncles and a co-worker this year...now my cousin's wife. CRAP...I don't want to think about it much less deal with it. And seriously, I will have to face my aunt and her kids who's father (my uncle)died in February and I didn't even send a card, call or anything. It's not that I'm a heartless bitch, I made lots of excuses for not calling them, mostly blaming them...you know, we never see each other, they don't like me(waaahhhh), they're not having a service anyway, we weren't close (that's a lie by the way) etc, etc. Fact over fable is that I didn't want to deal with it. I didn't go see him when he was sick, that was wrong of me...I know it's not about me. But I figured if I don't see them, I don't have to deal with it. So of course I feel TERRIBLY guilty about it. That is not supportive, DUH! Then there's the other reasons...like the deceased, my cousin's wife, couldn't stand me and let me know it and I hadn't seen her in years. Yet she was my cousin's wife, took care of him for 12 years after his stroke and he loved her with all of his heart. I didn't want to say anything at her memorial...I didn't want to deal with it...again. Ooh this theme is starting to sound pretty repetitive.
So that's the before and after work crappy stuff, what about the AT work crappy stuff? Oh trust me, there was some. Someone tried to throw me under the bus, although I am going to give this person the benefit of the doubt because had this person realized the effect of their words, I am sincerely hoping it would not have happened. But the bottom line is that as a result of this comment, I was suspected of doing something I personally would consider unethical! That insulted me and hurt my feelings and I felt totally betrayed by both sides, the under the bus thrower AND the accusers. This is not where I would like to detail this event but I have learned from it. 1) Be careful of halos 2) Don't assume that others will react the way you do 3) Adults can still act inappropriately immature no matter who they and even if you never dreamed they would 4) Be careful of what you say because there are many ways to interpret things and peoples perceptions can go beyond your wildest imagination. I already knew #4 so #5 has to be DON'T EVER FORGET #4!!! DUMB ASS!! I sorta feel better now! I will not allow anyone to hold me accountable for someone else's irrational behavior.

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